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This feels like a day premature.  Like tomorrow is the day I should be posting Jenna Coleman.  Except that’s not how this blog works, I don’t get to tell my brain what day I find someone attractive. Or maybe most attractive, I don’t think there are days I don’t find Jenna Coleman attractive because I actually have excellent vision.  I don’t want to brag but I don’t wear glasses because I am basically perfect.  But I don’t want to brag.  This stellar ability to see things in front of me mean that from the moment she first was announced and appeared I knew Jenna Coleman was gorgeous.  She wasn’t even Jenna Coleman than, she had a whole extra name and it didn’t distract me, I could see.  It’s just her face and her smile, she’s so damn pretty.  And she has been showing up constantly leading up to tomorrow’s premier so like, obviously it was going to beat me down and I was going to have to admit that today I want to fuck Jenna Coleman.

Here is Jennifer Ellison who I am strangely attracted to.  Not that I think it is strange to be attracted to her, that seems to make a ton of sense if you look at her, I think it’s strange that I am attracted to her.  Cause I shouldn’t even know who she is.  She is, really, just like a ton of girls I have posted from horror movies who was like… in one horror movie I liked and that is my only exposure to her.  Except there are so many pictures of her out there and they keep resurfacing because I guess she kind of mattered in the UK?  I actually can’t get a handle on it because most of these pictures are pretty old, maybe I should use my retrocrush tag?  That seems wrong though cause like.. she’s 30 now?  And looks fine?  But I don’t know, maybe she was never particularly famous but kept being invited red carpet stuff?  That would make sense cause I mean… boobs?  I have noticed a trend in the old red carpet pictures of her and that trend is cleavage.  But I don’t know.  I really have no idea at all.  But I find her attractive.  It’s probably my blonde and British thing that I didn’t even know existed a few years ago.  Or maybe it’s boobs.  It’s hard to tell, I am not a scientist no matter how scientific my discussions on this blog are.  Today I want to fuck Jennifer Ellison.

So I had a dream about Anna Kendrick last night.  Now you might be saying, “Hearing about other people’s dreams is boring”.  The good news is that I can’t hear you on account of this being the internet and also the dynamics of space-time being such that you won’t read this until I am done, so you get to hear about my dream!  Lucky you!  So we were at war with Russia and China, and by us I mean the forces of good, not just Anna Kendrick and I.  But we were planning a major assault that would win the war the next day because in my dreams that is how wars work I guess.  I was joining the fight against the Russians and Anna Kendrick was actually leading an all girl squad into China.  Because obviously this is a great idea, I don’t want to brag but my subconscious is a tactical genius.  Anyway, she and I hung out leading up to the battle and she was really cool.  And good news, we won the war!  Again because my subconscious is a tactical genius.  So I woke up thinking about Anna Kendrick cause I slept thinking about Anna Kendrick.  I am fully ok with this, gold star night for my brain.  Today I want to fuck Anna Kendrick.

Here is Emily Ratajkowski because… I don’t have some long explanation today.  She is here because she is ridiculously hot.  Her body is just insane and she is gorgeous.  She is ridiculously sexy.  So she’s here today because today I want to fuck Emily Ratajkowski.

This is a post that is at least like 2 and a half years in the making.  At least.  See, my oldest follower at this point and I believe my 7th follower ever, who is also a very good tumblr friend of mine (the great monicaspeaceofmind who I first linked to over 2 years ago in a Scarlett Johansson post), started following me because of Hillary Duff.  I have never posted Hillary Duff before.  But I have considered posting Hillary Duff many times before. And one day, very soon after I started my blog I was checking her tag on tubmlr and liked a post about her and that ended up being the 7th person to ever follow me because she liked my blog when she checked it out I guess.  Anyway, Hillary Duff has been someone I have considered posting.  It goes back even further though because I don’t know when Lizzie McGuire was on exactly but it overlapped with when I was working nights at a record store.  Very early 2000’s I guess.  I have never seen the show but I understand it was a touchstone for some teenagers and being in my early 20’s at a record store I worked with some teenagers.  Who all told me I should watch it because Hillary Duff was totally my type.  That was a little uncomfortable because I was not sure how young she was but “too young” was the most apt description at the time and I was a little frightened that my type was 16 year olds in these people’s minds.  They clarified they didn’t mean that she just seemed like the kind of girl I’d like.  I still don’t know what they meant or what cosmic connection I might have with Hillary Duff if we weren’t so star crossed that we’d never met.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen anything of hers except her guest roles on Gossip Girl and Community.  I am not sure I have even heard her music.  That said… I do often see small thumbnails somewhere of some celebrity and I am like, “That girl looks good, who is that” and I expand it and bam, it’s HIllary Duff.  So what I am saying is I guess everyone was right and she is my type.  It just so happens the only pictures that seem to surface of her are ones of her like out with her kids trying to hide her face and I don’t have the heart to post pictures I found with the headline, “Hillary Duff goes for a walk with kids in tight jeans. Ass. Butt”.  Also, I just don’t like that so when I look I get a little bored and move on and forget about her.  Not today though, today I took my time and her new album means there have been some nice new pictures to mix with a bunch of old ones and I am rambling and I’ll just say today I want to fuck Hillary Duff.

Here is Jennifer Lawrence because everyone loves Jennifer Lawrence.  Except for those who hate her.  It’s interesting, I assume this is largely because fame can be polarizing.  I know when I was younger I felt like I had to hate what was popular to show I was above it.  Which is kind of funny because you know who was really above the boy band explosion of that late 90’s?  It wasn’t me and my punk friends sneering at it and listening to better music.  It was my grandparents who had no fucking clue who the Backstreet Boys were and didn’t care.  They were above it.  Anyway, I happen to really like Jennifer Lawrence and what I find most interesting about her is how much she is loved for her personality despite being a pretty good chameleon on screen. I have her as some of her various characters in this post because honestly they are nothing alike.  Which is good, that’s kind of what you do as an actor.  But it’s interesting that she hasn’t yet quite fallen into the movie star role, where you stop playing characters and start playing types but she has become a movie star with the fame and the draw and the cult of personality around her.  Maybe only I find that interesting.  You know what a lot of us will probably agree on in the interesting category?  It’s interesting how hot she is.  I am fascinated by it.  Take your time and study the hotness if you’d like, I give you full permission.  Today I want to fuck Jennifer Lawrence.

So I was at Staples because I guess part of being an adult means you go to Staples eventually?  I am not sure, I just know that I needed file folders which seems like a profoundly adult thing to need.  I actually didn’t even realize they weren’t a renewable resource that just grew out of my desk before I went to get one and they were all gone.  I don’t remember ever buying them in the past.  Maybe they just came with the house or something?  More likely my mom got then when I was like 18 telling me how much I was going to need them as I rolled my eyes and was like, “Ok, moooooom,” knowing full well that her generation may have needed file folders but not mine.  We weren’t ever going to sell out like those god damned baby boomers.  Anyway, that’s probably where they came from but I can’t be sure File Folder Gnomes didn’t just deliver them.  Irregardless, there were no more but it’s cool cause I’m an adult and I knew there was a Staples or something a few miles away and as an adult I could totally handle this.  Staples seemed like an adult place to me at least because I know I have never had a desire to go in there but every time I pass a toy store I have to fight the urge to stop and go in and see what they have (I own more shit that glows in the dark than you could possibly believe). So I go to Staples and I realize I have said that name a lot, they aren’t a sponsor or anything, I don’t have sponsors.  Except maybe my boss because sometimes I have been at work and typing this stuff but I am not billing for those hours so I don’t think that really counts.  Anyway, I get there and I didn’t know what Staples had besides file folders and like printer cartridges.  I guess maybe highlighters if I thought about it.  Well, it turns out they have just a ton of Dora The Explorer themed back packs and notebooks.  So apparently it is for kids, just the most boring kids ever because it seemed to be a Mecca for kiddie branded office supplies.  Or maybe that’s a back to school thing but I didn’t see any Trapper Keepers and let’s be honest, you’re pretty lame if you don’t have a Trapper Keeper.  Anyway, among the other strange things in this magical land of computers and printer paper and K-cups were giant posters and cardboard cut outs of Katy Perry everywhere.  They all said that I could make it Roar.  Which is nice.  I have no idea what that could possibly have to do with office supplies.  Honestly, I don’t even really know what Katy Perry has to do with office supplies period.  And believe me, I have tried imagining her as a sexy secretary or something to see if that helps and it doesn’t.  She just wasn’t made for the corporate world, it would be silly.  So I am at a loss BUT I will say that Katy Perry looked very pretty and I may be tempted to sketch a heart with WIWTFT + KP inside it on one of my file folders but I promise it will be in blue or black ink when I do.  Because I’m an adult.  Today I want to fuck Katy Perry.

So I was having this conversation about pink castles and that lead into a conversation about Jayne Mansfield because if you know about the house she lived in that isn’t a strange place to go.  Also because Jayne Mansfield has popped up a lot recently in conversation but I promise it was natural, I am not like obsessed.  Anyway, my tumblr friend ganstersexy had no clue who Jayne Mansfield was, which I said was a shame because Jayne Mansfield was her type in that Jayne Mansfield was hot.  As part of my evidence to prove this I showed my friend this clip from The Girl Can’t Help it.  I actually proved my point with a simple picture but I happen to think the way she walks there is unreal and it is fun to share. I kept proving my point past that until I had my friend convinced that yes, Jayne Mansfield is super hot.  But what was funny about the clip was the first reaction was that it was fake because how can someone have those curves.  I pointed out it is not fake.  Then the question was, “And she didn’t have surgery”.  And of course the answer there was no because that didn’t exist for almost 10 years.  Anyway, the questions kept coming and it’s kind of funny because basically it boiled down to Jayne Mansfield being so attractive she couldn’t be real, especially if she was an unknown quantity.  Now, she isn’t unknown, many people know her and I know she has her fans on tumblr but it was funny.  And it does reinforce my basic point which is Jayne Mansfield was crazy hot.  That’s really it basically.  Today I want to fuck Jayne Mansfield.

I am sunburned and I don’t think I am being overly dramatic when I say it’s pretty much the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever.  It is a pretty new experience for me, like I know it has happened before and I remember thinking it was terrible then, too, but in general I am not a person who burns easily at all.  So I don’t know what happened here, I even put on sunscreen because as I get older I skew more to being a “might as well be safe” sort of person and away from my younger, “I’m not a pussy, no thanks” sort of person.  Apparently that 50 SPF was bullshit though because usually when I am buttoning up whatever I am wearing on the top half of my body it doesn’t cause me tremendous pain.  Anyway, red is not really my color but I am stuck with it for a few days and it’s hard to sit around thinking about what celebrity is the most desirable at the moment when I am in what I can say, again without being overly dramatic, is the worst pain any human has ever felt before.  Luckily, I think Aubrey Plaza would sort of get me in this situation.  She just seems like a person who would be able to commiserate that the sun is indeed bullshit and we live in a cruel, cruel universe where the very star that gives us life also apparently hates us and wants to torture us.  The sun is an asshole is what I am saying and I feel like she’d agree.  And even if she didn’t she’d be funny and I think I’d enjoy that.  My basic point is that the sun is a lousy son of a bitch but Aubrey Plaza is beautiful and hilarious and pretty great.  So today I want to fuck Aubrey Plaza.

I saw the latest X-Men again last night and I came to realize that I miss long haired Jennifer Lawrence.  There, I said it.  I hate the short hair.  Now, it’s her hair, she can do as she wishes but it’s my libido, it can do as it wishes, too, and it is not digging the short hair.  It doesn’t even really make sense because everything else is the same.  But man… short hair I don’t care.  Old long hair picture of her pops up and it’s like, “Oh yeah, that girl is hot”.  So… apparently the hair is really getting to me.  So here are pictures of her with hair because I miss those.  And I find her attractive in those.  Today I want to fuck Jennifer Lawrence.