Back to Top

I was talking with a friend just the other day about how some artists have bodies of work that really excite you at the start of their career but then manage to not go anywhere.  Or at least not to ever reach the heights of what you saw previously.  This isn’t actually a knock on the artists because art is hard.  More importantly you spend your entire life creating your first book/album/movie/whatever.  It’s been bouncing around forever, you have always been building to it.  Then you spend 2 years making the next one.  That Sophomore slump seems inevitable.  I also just think there is only so much in us sometimes.  Some people are truly transcendentally talented.  It is what makes them great.  Some people are just talented and you know Louis, Louis is a great song but the Kingsmen didn’t really seem to have anything else in them.  That’s ok because that’s great.  I actually see this a lot in horror and part of it is no doubt that horror is hard.  Very hard to make unique, very hard to make special.  I can list so many people whose first or second movie was just outrageously good and for a long time I was excited about what was going to come next and nothing ever really delivered.  This is a long build up to talking about seeing a movie called Lovely Molly, which is directed by Eduardo Sanchez, who directed the Blair Witch Project.  The Blair Witch Project was special to me because I grew up in the area the film makers lived in, my friend dated Eduardo’s cousin, and I saw a rough cut copy in a basement with the belief this was real and kind of wondered why the fuck we weren’t in the woods looking for those poor kids.  The movie was a cultural phenomena and man the poor people associated with it had no where to go but down.  Obviously there are worse things than having a smash hit movie but no one want to peak early.  Lovely Molly was ok.  It was not great.  It has flaws.  Which is kind of typical of all of his output since.  Still, it had things to recommend it and the thing it really had was Gretchen Lodge.  This was her first movie and she was fantastic.  See how that comes full circle?  I don’t know what the future holds for her, I haven’t seen her in anything else but I thought she was very good in what was frankly a very demanding role.  The movie didn’t fully come together and the entire thing rested on her shoulders.  She did her part.  A recovering addict in a haunted house all alone is the sort of thing that can go very, very poorly in a horror movie.  She managed to somehow bring it all together.  And she was beautiful as well.  I really was taken with her performance and today I want to fuck Gretchen Lodge.

I consider myself to be a rather clever person.  Using my innate cleverness I have determined with like 99% certainty that Doutzen Kroes is currently extremely pregnant.  Now, I’m no Batman but I think I could probably be like the world’s second greatest detective if I put a little effort in.  I have included photographic proof, so if you look really closely you might spot a picture where she looks kind of pregnant.  If you don’t see it don’t feel bad, I am an internet perv expert so I have a lot of experience at closely looking at pictures. Anyway, also using my detective skills I have come to the conclusion that Doutzen Kroes is strikingly beautiful. Again, look closely at the pictures and you’ll see I’m right.  You’re welcome for me helping you see the highly paid model in a whole new light.  As a favor to you, I won’t even require you to give me credit for this discovery.  When you’re in the bar later just casually drop it into conversation to wow your friends.  Just motion and be like, “Hey, you know that girl in her underwear in the Victoria’s Secret Catalog?  You probably never noticed but she is physically very attractive”.  Then you can just sit back and bask in the warm adoration and free drinks that come with true respect from your peers. Again, you’re welcome.  As for me, I am going to sit here and see if I can find anymore bigfoot like footage that will allow me to back up my Doutzen is pregnant theory.  Enjoy your day!  Today I want to fuck Doutzen Kroes.

I finally got to see Under the Skin and Scarlett Johansson is easily in the most interesting stretch of her career ever.  I wasn’t really sure what to expect with this movie because I knew the basics of it but I also knew that the internet basically turned it into just poor quality screenshots of Scarlett Johansson naked.  I also was talking to someone last week who told me the movie was just a Species rip off where nothing happens.  I can say after having watched it this is the opinion of a deeply boring person.  This was interesting, as a lot of her work has been, because it sticks with you afterwards.  I am still uncertain how I feel about it.  As someone who watches a lot of disposable media I really appreciate this.  I mean, I watch just a ton of really, really bad movies that follow rote plots and you know I have to check my letterboxd account to see if I have seen stuff before because I certainly can’t remember it.  To me the greatest thing art can do is affect you.  So for me even if I am left wondering if a movie is good or not  the fact that I am still thinking about it later is thrilling, unpacking what it means.  At it’s core this is a deeply strange movie but much like the wonderful Her I would say it’s about isolation.  Maybe a little about loneliness.  Maybe alienation is the best word.  I enjoyed watching it, I am not sure if I think it was good or just noteworthy.  I also question the alertness of Scottish men since Scarlett Johansson just shows up in a van, picks them up, vaguely flirt and they don’t seem to bat an eye.  Cause, you know, some of this was filmed with hidden cameras and real people.  I guess that sort of thing is just common over there.  Whatever the reason I am still thinking about the movie and I am still thinking about Scarlett Johansson, who you may know I am a fan of.  A big fan.  And today I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson.

I am glad that Lana Del Rey has a number one album.  Or had, I dunno where it is now.  I never really pay attention to those things other than to occasionally go, “That’s all you have to sell to have a #1 album now?”  Oh music industry, you can blame the internet but we know whose really to blame.  Anyway, I don’t have any sort of emotional connection with her that has me rooting for her personally, I have friends who do, who just unabashedly love her and thus in their heart of hearts want her personally to succeed (and probably to marry them.  Like I think they’d take either.  Yes, I am talking about you lunoboom). I don’t have that.  I like her fine but her music doesn’t move me in the way it moves others and I just… don’t care that much.  That said I am glad to see her succeed because one of the internet’s more obnoxious traits is when it collectively decides to shit on someone.  I mean, there are exceptions.  Like if you guys wanted to muster up your courage and start talking about how Hitler was kind of a dick you have my support.  That guy was a dick.  But most celebrities aren’t Hitler.  I don’t know Lana Del Rey or anything but I am going to go out on a limb and say, without having met her, whatever her sins may be as you perceive them, potential collagen injections, inauthenticity, being too popular, being calculated, et al., they are not as bad as Hitler.  I also just typically cannot take joy in seeing someone fail.  I have never really understood that sort of thing.  So I am glad she had some success and it has probably come at the best time because if it had happened with Born to Die she’d probably still be #1 on a bunch of hate lists.  I mean, it kind of did happen with Born to Die but the perception was that it was not successful for whatever reason.  So good for her.  I like seeing someone who is unfairly hated get the classic best revenge, succeeding.  Of course, that’s just me rambling, she’s here today because I think she’s really pretty and she has a certain something about her that can be pretty sexy sometimes.  Today I want to fuck Lana Del Rey.

On the scale of things I like long hair usually far outweighs short hair.  It’s just how it works for me.  I find myself much more drawn to long hair.  Men or women it’s just nice looking.  And that’s not a judgement, it’s just how my brain works.  I fully get why anyone would want shorter hair, too, because long hair is a pain in the ass.  I just also know when celebrities cut their hair short I usually find myself looking at pictures of them and feeling like something doesn’t look right.  So it’s a pretty big statement about just how amazing Karen Gillan has looked recently that I am having trouble picturing her in my mind with long hair.  Obviously I can look it up but if I try to imagine her she starts showing up with her hair short.  Which looks amazing by the way.  A+ to her stylist for making ti looks so damn full and luxurious.  She has just looked beautiful and so she’s showing up here for the second time this week because wow.  Life is pretty good right now, isn’t it?  Cause usually new pictures of her are pretty hard to come by but I have the feeling Guardians of the Galaxy is going to get us a nice steady stream of them for a week still and then this fall she has a TV show.  It’s like Kazza everywhere!  And it is fantastic.  I am happy about it because the more we all get to see of her the better off we all are.  Not just because she’s pretty but because she is so hilariously charming as well. And that accent.  And that face.  And… I really like her.  Today I want to fuck Karen Gillan.

I have noted many times before that one day I am going to have Kristen Bell’s babies.  Now, some nay sayers point out that’s not how human anatomy works or it is “medically impossible” or “this is a restraining order, Ms. Bell would like you to cease making the same joke about her you’ve been making since 2004 and could you stay at least 500 feet away”.  You know, people who are afraid to dream big.  The only reason I bring this up is because she is pregnant again which always makes me dream seem just a slight bit less likely.  A slight bit.  Anyway, she’s here today mainly because I saw the funny or die video yesterday.  If you don’t know the one it’s right here.  It was funny and it’s kind of remarkable how good she is at being Mary Poppins.  It was funny.  She is funny.  And talented.  And beautiful.  Sigh… she’s great.  And yes, I knew it was her birthday the other day.  I didn’t post her because I almost never do that.  Like my birthday sure.  Her birthday?  I’m arrogant but I’m not that arrogant.  Can you imagine that birthday card, “Happy Birthday, I’d totally give it to you.  YOU’RE WELCOME!”  Seems maybe a little presumptuous about your own attractiveness.  And this is about her attractiveness.  Which is totally high.  Today I want to fuck Kristen Bell.

In general I am not prone to rage on the internet because in general I assume I am smarter than everyone else and thus if someone is wrong about something I take it in stride.  They aren’t as smart as me.  They don’t know any better.  That’s nothing to get angry about.  I had a dog once who used to grab a squeaky chew toy, make it squeak, and then run away in fear.  I wasn’t angry he couldn’t ever figure out that he should stop that, he was trying the best he could.  That’s my long, condescending way of implying everyone who disagrees with me is a moron.  You’re welcome to disagree but I would say reread the beginning of this post again.  Now there are a few things that do anger me though, despite the zen like cool that comes with running a blog about what celebrities I find attractive I am only human.  The first is when I am following people and I see them getting hate.  My example in this case would be the forever lovely and wonderful pleasestopbeingsad who basically spends her time drawing pictures to make people happy and somehow this means a subset of the internet feels obliged to message her and tell her they hate her.  Because you guys can really be a bag full of dicks.  The other thing that makes me mad is probably best represented by Kate Upton.  Probably because I see it with her the most.  People feel the need to call her fat all the fucking time.  Or ugly sometimes.  Usually they talk about how fat she is.  Which is of course a level of dipshitery I can’t even begin to comprehend.  Now, Kate Upton herself doesn’t need me to defend her.  I wish she did, I’ll admit it would be nice if I could save her from Ninjas and then whisk her away to a palace made of diamonds and we could eat hamburgers and laugh at all the idiots on the internet raging about her being too fat to be a model.  But I lam like… 75% sure that won’t ever happen.  It makes me mad though not just because it is ridiculously inaccurate but because it is the internet at it’s nastiest.  Which is people hiding behind their anonymity to be dicks and do what they can to make people feel bad.  See, people who call her fat aren’t just calling her fat, they’re calling whole swaths of the population fat and they’re doing it because they are cocks.  You can tell they are cocks because if you don’t like something and your decision is not to walk away and find something you do like but instead attack that thing and more importantly result to personal insults, you are a cocks.  Trust me, I know, I spend time reading about etymology, I know how words work.  It all stems from the Germanic Root word Kocke which means heap of dung or anonymous internet commenter.  More disappointing is how at least in the circles I travel it is largely women who feel the need to say her thighs are fat or she is “well marbled”.  Disappointing because I think everyone is used to men treating women badly, there’s a whole field of study with literally millions of examples of that.  I would hope at least for a little solidarity rather than cattiness though.  Or maybe not, it probably shouldn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, you should try not being a cock.  My point is really a few things, if people seem to like things and you don’t, that’s fine, be you.  You don’t actually need to rage against that thing.  You can if you think it’s important but it’s fine to walk away.  It is never fine to just be a mean spirited asshole, just trying to hurt people.  Here’s a secret, it reveals you to be the sad, miserable person you are.  I know you think you scored one, be it sending hate mail to sweet cartoonists on tubmlr or spewing your rage about a celebrity across the internet but you didn’t win anything.  Anyone with any maturity and experience is just going to see you for what you are.  Besides, you are wrong, Kate Upton is gorgeous.  Today I want to fuck Kate Upton.

I have a friend who gently teases me for my love of shiny things.  Well, maybe I do the teasing but she has noticed I tend to like shiny dresses and such and I realize that makes me sound like a drooling idiot, like I am staring at my monitor and going, “Oooooo, Shiny!”  But I do like shiny clothing.  And maybe it all stems from the shiniest of all superheroes, Alison Blaire, better known as the Dazzler.  Now, unfortunately she is largely seen as a joke by a lot of the comics community, which is a shame.  Her original disco costume is especially mocked which is also a shame because I love it!  Of course, sometimes I realize my taste in X-Men may not conform to popular standards since I am very tired of Wolverine (common among older X-fans) and the Australia era where she was part of the team is one of my favorite (the only time I actually see this era references is with something like, “Most people hate the Australian era but I like it”).  The real shame though is that Dazzler is your typical complex and interesting X-Woman and people seem to have no clue because they just kind of go “Ugh, Disco”.  I fully get that but it ignores that she is one of the few X-Men a successful solo series and the only one who had a solo series as her starting point and only later joined the team.  I sadly haven’t seen much of her in recent years because I am no longer the type of nerd who reads every X-title.  Mainly because I don’t have time but also it was easier when there were fewer than 20 a month.  I haven’t liked the little I have seen where they have written her as a ditzy pop star.  The Dazzler I remember was someone who set out to follow her dreams, as unrealistic as those dreams were, and as silly as they were because disco was totally dead by the time her book launched.  That just added depth, she was going after what she wanted to do and it didn’t really matter what anyone told her.  She had resolve and she was tough and she was totally shiny.  I mean, her power is to make pretty lights and sparkles.  And she fought Doctor Doom and Galactus with pretty lights and sparkles.  Not to mention no one was on that Australian team who wasn’t tough as nails.  She was awesome.  So today I want to fuck Dazzler.

Karen Gillan has just looked amazing recently.  I say this like it’s somehow a surprise or something but the truth is when she first cut her hair off… I wasn’t the biggest fan of it.  Sometimes she still looked pretty good but you know, shaved is a tough look for anyone to pull off.  Do I prefer longer hair?  Yeah, a lot of the time I do.  But her hair has grown out more and both at the TCAs and now the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere she has looked fantastic.  I still might like the long hair a little better but what she is doing with it now looks pretty great.  And hey, best of both worlds, she has nice wigs for Selfie so we have that.  Anyway, I don’t know how anyone could be familiar with her work and not crush on her because she is just so funny and charming.  I seriously don’t.  I am sure there are people who dislike her but in my years on this Earth I have just come to accept there are people who like being wrong about things.  She is great and I am excited to see Guardians of the Galaxy and man I hope Selfie ends up being good.  Today I want to fuck Karen Gillan.

I suffer from severe game show envy.  Like the UK still seems to have them and we don’t.  Not really.  It’s not like it was when I was a kid and if I stayed home from school I could watch game shows all morning until TV started to suck hard in the afternoon with all the Soap Operas. But man, there were some sweet game shows on during the day, like I love Classic Concentration.  I had to look it up but luckily Googling Alex Trebek lead me to the answer.  I have to say it sounds horrible but i remember loving it.  And it was paired with a Scrabble game show.  And yes actually paired with it because these were not syndicated shows, these were NBC shows.  Because the TV landscape was different and networks actually programmed all day and with things like game shows.  Anyway, the UK still has them.  I guess they are mostly panel shows which skew more comedy than game but it’s still a thing.  From what I can see.  Honestly most of my impression of the UK is filtered through the internet and friends and like Britpop.  But I know every word of Common People so I am basically an expert.  Anyway, I have tried watching Countdown and have seen a little but it is a ton of work for an American to see it because England doesn’t want us to see it.  Which they must realize is only going to make us want it more.  You can’t just tell me I can’t watch it in my country.  This is a whole lot of rambling to get to Rachel Riley who I have been informed is a mathematical genius.  That is pretty hot if I am going to be honest.  Not because I am way into math or anything, sorry nerds, I was too busy wearing leather jackets and being a bad ass for that nerd shit.  Or more honestly I was better than average at math but it was never my thing in part because I was too busy not wearing leather jackets but rushing through my homework to read Dragon Lance novels in junior high.  It’s always hot when someone is good at something and it’s extra hot when someone is really good at something I am not really good at.  And she’s pretty.  And England is doing all in it’s power to keep me from seeing her.  Which now makes me think she has used her genius math brain to trick me into wanting her.  Which is pretty hot.  So today I want to fuck Rachel Riley.